There is No Bliss in Divorce, or Is There?

Two nights ago, at 10PM, as I was getting ready to drop into a deep and much needed sleep, I got the call. “Sweetie”, he said, mustering up a half-assed and miserably failed effort to connect on some kind of familiar ground, ” I just can’t do it anymore. I have no commitment, no confidence and no faith that things can work out.”  I won’t tell you what he told me next, but suffice to say what it involved included zero integrity, no loving kindness and might I be so bold to say, tons of cowardliness.

Divorce ain’t pretty folks. It rocks our world, turns things upside down and leaves us swimming in a sea of questions and confusion. It strips away all hope, and reduces our faith in humanity. Sometimes we get bitter, often we get angry and many times we lose all faith in ourselves.

Technically, we weren’t married, and, we have been cohabiting for 2 yrs. We share a home, meals and a whole lot else together. For all appearances, our union held a note of perfection that both of us recognized immediately.  To be confronted with the knowledge that we were unable to hold it together, and work through the tough stuff as it showed up, fills me with an impenetrable sadness.

To be honest, it wasn’t a surprise. Still, it hurts like hell, and for someone who upholds a high level of commitment, I was in it for the long haul. One friend sent this today and it spoke so clearly to me:  “There is a life death life cycle within a relationship, if we have the courage to hang in there with it. Not to say break ups do not need to happen, but we also often trigger each others deepest stuff, and if we have the courage to hang in, can have a new birth within the relationship IF we allow ourselves to be transformed by it. Trick is, both have to want and be committed to this.”

And that was the problem, commitment, or lack there of. No matter what the game is that you are playing, you must play with 100% to get the winning results that you are looking for. Otherwise you might as well stay on the bench, or not even show up for the game. I wanted to hang in and discover the new birth, he couldn’t handle the labor.

How do we gracefully deal with these moments, when our heart is breaking and our spirit is shaken? Here are some things I have learned along the way:

• Don’t Do It Alone!! For me, (as a Life Coach supporting others in the design of sustainable relationships and with a business called Living Bliss!), the idea of letting others learn that my life wasn’t perfect was horrifying. Yet, in reaching out I have found so much love, comfort and support that I am almost forgetting about…. what was his name?
• Practice Radical Self Care. I say radical because these are the moments when it is hardest to care for, and be loving to, ourselves. This morning, raw from last nights call and not much sleep, I ate steamed veggies just picked from the garden, and warm rice. The yummy nourishing effects supported me throughout the day, where as coffee would have added to my stress level.
  
• Sit Still. Don’t make any rash decisions or step right into action. Allow for your feelings to surface. Feel them. Rant, rage, cry, scream, mourn. Allow space to just listen to what is asking to be called forth in you. Get to the center of your heart and discover what you need to do.
  
• Exercise!!! As the imminent end drew near I wanted to do nothing other than hide under the covers and sleep. The problem was, I wasn’t sleeping. My mind was obsessively racing and my heart was breaking open. I required myself to get out for a walk each day, and felt increasingly better after each time out. I’ve heard that only 15 minutes a day of brisk walking can seriously improve serotonin levels, a great prevention of depression.
  
• Speak your truth. Do not be afraid to let your now ex-partner know about your disappointment and pain. This can be done in a loving way that is not projecting blame, but speaks the truth in a real and direct way. If there is something you really need for them to hear, keep saying it until it can be heard.
  
• Let go! This is the hardest step. It means letting go of our dreams, hopes, aspirations and visions for what this relationship could have been. It means accepting and fully embracing the other as they are, and blessing them on their journey. It might mean forgiveness as you come to terms with it all. It also means letting go of the fear for what is next, the self judgement for what you “could” have done, and the anger towards the other for actions, “lack of’s”, and ultimately for putting an end to the relationship.  It might also mean letting go of who you thought you were and finding a willingness to transform into something new.
• Celebrate change. Ultimately, I know deep in my heart that this divorce is the right thing. We weren’t happy and our spirits were dying. I find relief in letting go and excitement in the opportunity to begin redesigning my life as I want it, as I mourn the dissolution of the relationship. This 4th of July weekend I am going to have a “Celebrate Independence” party to fully embrace my new life and let go of the old. Rituals of any kind are so important at these times in our lives to mark new beginnings and put closure on things that are complete.
  

For any of you experiencing the heartbreak of “divorce”, or separation, or challenges and struggles within your love relationships, I hold you in comfort, support and love. Know that you are just fine, that it really will be OK, and the sun will come out again. Your heart will open and love will visit again. The lessons you learned on this journey will support you in new and more courageous, evolved, radically wonderful relationships, if you pay attention and do your work. The bliss comes when we are able to deeply integrate these heartaches as heart openings and a great gift to our personal evolution.

As I engage in the process of healing my own heart, I send special prayers to all relationships for healing, transformation and peace.

I send this prayer, especially, to Joao, in honor of all our dreams, lessons and the gifts of our time together.

Technorati Tags: Bliss101, boyfriends, Coach Margie Scott, commitment, divorce, empowerment, forgiveness, happiness, letting go, perspectives, relationships, self evaluation, sustainable relationships, touchstones, transition

Relationship Sustainability-Myth or Attainable?

Yesterday morning I took a long walk. My getting-better-all-the-time-routine is to take a walk every morning. This time however, I walked with a bit of a heavy heart.  Relational dynamics with my partner were really troubling me, and my soul (never mind the Coach in me!) was aching to find some solutions .

I walked with the question of: What does designing sustainable relationships really mean, and is it even attainable? Quite honestly, this isn’t a game I feel I have played so well over the years, at least within the realms of intimate, primary partnership. My father once said that I go through boyfriends faster than he goes through trucks! (Of course I wasn’t sure how this applied as it seemed I was going through way more boyfriends than he was trucks! But I guessed he was trying to tell me something in his John Wayne style of fathering). While in the past my successes haven’t been so great, it is a game I continue to master and am learning to play in a whole new way!

Since I’ve read Marci Shimoff’s “Happy For No Reason” book, I have been making a practice of increasing my happiness set point. She talks about how you can choose to be happy, no matter what circumstances or situations are occurring in your life. While my heavy heart wanted to have a pity party, something else decided it was more important to somehow put this choice into action. I began to focus on all the beautiful things around me, and there were so many! The exquisite orange Ocotillo blossom against a lush green background of trees.  The delicate white thistle flowers. The grey silhouette of the Elm and Chiricahua Mountains in the distance. The sweep of wispy clouds against the dramatic blue sky. The call of the Cactus Wren. So many things to bring joy to my heart!

The more I walked, the better I felt. Suddenly,everything I needed to know came tumbling through with great clarity! What needed to be said, how to say it, and the awareness that it needed to all be said very, very quickly. There was no more waiting, no more pretending, no more allowing. A certain rush of emotion came up with it, and I tenderly allowed for it. As I continued to focus on all the beauty around me, a calmness spread through out me and I moved into a grounded place of knowing that was soothing and comforting.

My ultimate belief is that sustainable relationship is attainable. What this means to me is a relationship that gives and nurtures energy, rather than draining it. What I know is that I’ve just been doing it wrong all these years. I looked outside myself for the energy, rather than harvesting it within myself. In doing so it was hard to see the beauty that was all around me, available for my own personal harvest! When, on my walk, I focused on that which brings me joy, I found the answers to that which was bringing me sadness. I went home, we had a great talk and the dynamics are in a positive place. And that is happy making! Which creates more energy, which builds on the happiness, which expands the energy even more, which……well, you get it, right??

Technorati Tags: Bliss101, boyfriends, Coach Margie Scott, flower sightings, game, happiness, Happy For No Reason, sustainability, sustainable relationships, walking