Light At The End Of A Dark Tunnel

Pain. Sadness. Grief. Despair. Stress. “Uck!”, you say? I agree.

Unfortunately, that’s where I have been, to be openly honest.

Well, it’s where I was. Hence the lack of new words, in the last 2 months, on these pages.

Yet, there is light at the end of the tunnel. Actually, I am IN the light right now. Whew……sooooo good to be here.

The journey of life is not always an easy one. Try as we may, sometimes we fall down. Sometimes we can’t get back up for awhile. Sometimes we need to rely on our friends to get us through the day, or even more, the night. Sometimes we wonder if we will make it.

One thing I have learned. The universe, or God, or whatever you want to call it, never gives us more than we can handle. And when it feels like we won’t be able to handle it, it is because we need to learn how to.

The last 8 months have been one of the most challenging times in my life. A period where everything that is my life came up for question, and got turned completely inside out, when my partner made the choice to end our relationship. I’ve come to understand that it wasn’t so much the break-up, or that my partner couldn’t show up the way I hoped he would, that threw me head first and screaming into the dark tunnel. Sure, that was painful and had it’s own set of tears and grief. What had more impact though,  was what got called up with-in me, what I was forced to confront, how I chose to engage in the process, and how in the end I was the one that had to figure it all out and re-design my life. Your friends can only hold your hand for so long.

Having the opportunity to evaluate everything in your life and discern the truth of it for yourself is a wild and weird ride. However, when you wake up one morning and finally accept that things just aren’t what you thought they would be, you have to do something. While it is hard to recognize it at the time, such a cataclysmic event can be a real gift. The blessing for me has been about reconnecting to the essential elements of my souls requirements-what my soul needs to live a life of authentic bliss. Isn’t it amazing how we can lose sight of what those things are sometimes?

The re-design doesn’t happen over night. (Small manageable steps, as I tell my clients all the time!) It requires deep exploration, internal questioning, values review and lots of time for simply healing. In my journey I have given myself oodles of gentleness, self nurturing and space to just be. It’s not easy. I’m a go-getter, organizer and facilitator. To not have a clear sense of what is around the corner of my life drives me crazy sometimes.

But the truth is, do we ever know what is around the corner? If I had known that the fated relationship was going to end up as it did, would I have gone forward? And if not, then what would I have lost? Certainly the rich lessons of the journey. While they came with some heartache, ultimately, the gifts I am left with for myself are ones I am grateful to have. I do not regret the journey.

And today, well, for today I am just darn happy that I made it through that tunnel! And, I’m here to tell you, if you happen to be finding yourself in some dark tunnel with no light in sight, that you will too. I just know it.

Technorati Tags: Bliss101, Coach Margie Scott, empowerment, grief, healing, letting go, life changes, life journey, life re-design, life transitions, love, relationships, self evaluation, transition

Loving What Is In the Lessons of Love

The Summer of 1967 was known as “The Summer of Love”. I was only 6 yrs old, and undoubtedly already learning some lessons of love, or the lack thereof, within the strange realms of an alcoholic household.

42 years later, as yet another Summer season draws to a close, I wouldn’t exactly put this years Summer experience in the high love category. However, as I navigate the tumultuous waters of lost love (do we ever really lose love? I mean, how can we? Love resides within us, not outside of us…) and “divorce”, I certainly have learned a lot about love.

I’ve also been reading, and working with, Bryon Katie’s fascinating ideas about “Loving What Is”, which is also the title of her new book. With the basic premise that the root cause of suffering is the identification with our thoughts and the stories that we have continuously running through our minds, Katie offers a process of 4 questions that can turn around our thoughts and give a new perspective, allowing us to stop fighting reality and accepting what is (http://thework.com). Exploring The Work has allowed me to look deep within myself and discover the stories I have been operating under as I struggle to make a transition that I didn’t ask for, or want.

When your life is made up of certain ideas about the future, commitments, and partnerships, a sudden change, even with all the pre-warning signs, can be traumatic. I have cycled through so many levels of grief, anger, sadness, righteousness, blame, acceptance, and letting go, and am certain there are many more to come. I’ve spent moments hiding under the covers, other moments strongly empowered. I’ve supported clients in their love relationships, witness to the magical unfolding of their journey, a fellow traveler on the path.

Rumi says, “Don’t grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form.” I know this, yet, I do grieve. I have to. I can’t help it. Moving through the grief allows me to accept, to let go, to dive deep into the wells of all the love that I am, that I have given to others, and that I yearn to share again. It reminds me that I am alive, that I am feeling, and as I give permission to myself to feel, to grieve, to rage, to just be in what is, I learn the largest lesson of all about love: that ultimately we must love ourselves unconditionally, in the weakest, darkest, I’m-so-small-and-lost moments, if we ever hope to fully open our hearts to love again.

“Better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all.” Hemingway

What’s happening in your life with love and relationships? Join me for a 6 week teleclass series “Loving Ourselves While Loving Others” starting in mid-Oct, where we will explore belief patterns and habits that keep us stuck in unfulfilling relationships, identify sabotaging behaviors, and learn specific techniques for embracing a new way of being in healthy, authentic, co-creative relationships. . If you would like to go a little deeper, plan on participating in the 6 month relationship support group where you can take advantage of personalized coaching for half the cost. Details coming soon.

Technorati Tags: Bliss101, Byron Katie, Coach Margie Scott, empowerment, grief, letting go, love, relationships, Summer of Love, The Work

There is No Bliss in Divorce, or Is There?

Two nights ago, at 10PM, as I was getting ready to drop into a deep and much needed sleep, I got the call. “Sweetie”, he said, mustering up a half-assed and miserably failed effort to connect on some kind of familiar ground, ” I just can’t do it anymore. I have no commitment, no confidence and no faith that things can work out.”  I won’t tell you what he told me next, but suffice to say what it involved included zero integrity, no loving kindness and might I be so bold to say, tons of cowardliness.

Divorce ain’t pretty folks. It rocks our world, turns things upside down and leaves us swimming in a sea of questions and confusion. It strips away all hope, and reduces our faith in humanity. Sometimes we get bitter, often we get angry and many times we lose all faith in ourselves.

Technically, we weren’t married, and, we have been cohabiting for 2 yrs. We share a home, meals and a whole lot else together. For all appearances, our union held a note of perfection that both of us recognized immediately.  To be confronted with the knowledge that we were unable to hold it together, and work through the tough stuff as it showed up, fills me with an impenetrable sadness.

To be honest, it wasn’t a surprise. Still, it hurts like hell, and for someone who upholds a high level of commitment, I was in it for the long haul. One friend sent this today and it spoke so clearly to me:  “There is a life death life cycle within a relationship, if we have the courage to hang in there with it. Not to say break ups do not need to happen, but we also often trigger each others deepest stuff, and if we have the courage to hang in, can have a new birth within the relationship IF we allow ourselves to be transformed by it. Trick is, both have to want and be committed to this.”

And that was the problem, commitment, or lack there of. No matter what the game is that you are playing, you must play with 100% to get the winning results that you are looking for. Otherwise you might as well stay on the bench, or not even show up for the game. I wanted to hang in and discover the new birth, he couldn’t handle the labor.

How do we gracefully deal with these moments, when our heart is breaking and our spirit is shaken? Here are some things I have learned along the way:

• Don’t Do It Alone!! For me, (as a Life Coach supporting others in the design of sustainable relationships and with a business called Living Bliss!), the idea of letting others learn that my life wasn’t perfect was horrifying. Yet, in reaching out I have found so much love, comfort and support that I am almost forgetting about…. what was his name?
• Practice Radical Self Care. I say radical because these are the moments when it is hardest to care for, and be loving to, ourselves. This morning, raw from last nights call and not much sleep, I ate steamed veggies just picked from the garden, and warm rice. The yummy nourishing effects supported me throughout the day, where as coffee would have added to my stress level.
  
• Sit Still. Don’t make any rash decisions or step right into action. Allow for your feelings to surface. Feel them. Rant, rage, cry, scream, mourn. Allow space to just listen to what is asking to be called forth in you. Get to the center of your heart and discover what you need to do.
  
• Exercise!!! As the imminent end drew near I wanted to do nothing other than hide under the covers and sleep. The problem was, I wasn’t sleeping. My mind was obsessively racing and my heart was breaking open. I required myself to get out for a walk each day, and felt increasingly better after each time out. I’ve heard that only 15 minutes a day of brisk walking can seriously improve serotonin levels, a great prevention of depression.
  
• Speak your truth. Do not be afraid to let your now ex-partner know about your disappointment and pain. This can be done in a loving way that is not projecting blame, but speaks the truth in a real and direct way. If there is something you really need for them to hear, keep saying it until it can be heard.
  
• Let go! This is the hardest step. It means letting go of our dreams, hopes, aspirations and visions for what this relationship could have been. It means accepting and fully embracing the other as they are, and blessing them on their journey. It might mean forgiveness as you come to terms with it all. It also means letting go of the fear for what is next, the self judgement for what you “could” have done, and the anger towards the other for actions, “lack of’s”, and ultimately for putting an end to the relationship.  It might also mean letting go of who you thought you were and finding a willingness to transform into something new.
• Celebrate change. Ultimately, I know deep in my heart that this divorce is the right thing. We weren’t happy and our spirits were dying. I find relief in letting go and excitement in the opportunity to begin redesigning my life as I want it, as I mourn the dissolution of the relationship. This 4th of July weekend I am going to have a “Celebrate Independence” party to fully embrace my new life and let go of the old. Rituals of any kind are so important at these times in our lives to mark new beginnings and put closure on things that are complete.
  

For any of you experiencing the heartbreak of “divorce”, or separation, or challenges and struggles within your love relationships, I hold you in comfort, support and love. Know that you are just fine, that it really will be OK, and the sun will come out again. Your heart will open and love will visit again. The lessons you learned on this journey will support you in new and more courageous, evolved, radically wonderful relationships, if you pay attention and do your work. The bliss comes when we are able to deeply integrate these heartaches as heart openings and a great gift to our personal evolution.

As I engage in the process of healing my own heart, I send special prayers to all relationships for healing, transformation and peace.

I send this prayer, especially, to Joao, in honor of all our dreams, lessons and the gifts of our time together.

Technorati Tags: Bliss101, boyfriends, Coach Margie Scott, commitment, divorce, empowerment, forgiveness, happiness, letting go, perspectives, relationships, self evaluation, sustainable relationships, touchstones, transition