The Roller Coaster of Love

The human heart is such a complex thing. It takes us on a wild roller coaster ride that even the most die hard amusement park ride lovers have trouble coping with. Navigating the wild twists and turns, and stomach curling ups and downs,  of love can make the best of us green, yet we jump on willingly, even when we know what the ride will be like.

Why do we choose to get on these rides? As a young girl I actually hated the roller coaster. I went on it once and that was enough for me. Give me the gentle ferris wheel any day. When it comes to love, however, I seem to be willing to jump on time and time again, forgetting what it felt like the last time when it all went seriously wrong.

I’m still moving through this thing called divorce. The guy that used to be my partner, my lover, my companion is in the process of packing up all his stuff and “getting the hell outta here’, as he so emphatically stated once. He arrived back home from CA, and from the arms of other womyn, last week. Each day I watch as the places where he used to be, become empty. His half of the closet. The garage (well, at least I can walk through it now!). His office. My heart.

When your heart is aching and bleeding all over the floor, how do you see the gifts of the amazing moment you are in? How do you climb in for the ride and arrive at the end hottin’ and hollerin’, climbing out of that little roller coaster car with a smile on your face and a sense of some sort of accomplishment that you survived?

It’s not easy. But survive we do, and eventually we even get back on again for the ride. What I have discovered in this delirious journey is that as my heart expands and contracts, grieves and mourns, rages and releases, I am being birthed into a new self. What better gift could I ask for? She is resilient and strong, empowered and powerful, broken open and freed. The fog has lifted and the clarity is informing and revealing. Suddenly, my stride has become more purposeful and my vision more clear. I detach from that which has not served me, fed my soul, or honored the magnificence of my feminine self. I feel my feelings with a fierce sense of devotion to the ride and a willingness to see myself through it all.

Currently, I am coaching a couple and am leading a group of womyn in a 6 week adventure of healing our relationships with, and beliefs about, men. Realizing that my personal experience provides a rich foundation for the work I do, and allows me to become a masterful coach in the game of relationships, helps me to enjoy the roller coaster just a little bit more. If my journey can make someone else’s easier, then it’s all worth it.

Even so, I’m thinking it’s going to be along time before I decide to ride this roller coaster again!